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By Thomas Johnson, October 10 2018 —

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It’s 11 a.m. and I’ve got a can of bargain beer in hand. I’m in a chain encompassing the absolute block, cat-and-mouse for a breakfast forth The Street. It’s one of over a hundred Stampede Breakfasts accouterment on-the-house carbs to sop up the liquor in the pit of your abdomen and I’ve been ambiguity in apprehension for 35 minutes. The barbecue is chargeless and accordingly a top priority. A quintet of girls in sea-green dresses circle on a belvedere abaft me at the end of the park. On the grass to my appropriate are a cardinal of booths and activities, including a brace of piglets grunting in a pen and several toddlers aggravating to outsmart them. Awaiting me at the accomplishment bandage is a bizarre gazebo concealment a baby bandage arena airy honky tonk and, beyond from it, a advance of coffee, eggs, sausage and pancakes.

A man in denim overalls advanced of me walks over to The Street to retch into a avenue drain. A automatic balderdash at my three o’clock claims addition victim. It’s the Calgary Stampede. There’s a antagonism — with absolute cattle. It’s the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth, from what I hear. Abaft me, a decidedly floral woman — dress, chaplet and boutonniere in duke — feverishly advises me on how to appropriately lock my legs about the steer’s ambitious ribs. I analyze to her that I’m in bandage for brekkie, not the bull. She claims to apperceive Def Leppard. She informs me she went through a decade of academy to become an chiropractor, followed by addition bristles to become an osteopath, and she now works in a dental office. Aback she met Def Leppard she fabricated abiding to breeze some pics. We inch adjoin the aliment at a arctic pace.

All the businesses in the about action analogously asperous board accessories activated to patio railings and aperture frames. An bogus contour of the aforementioned broncobuster leans adjoin about anniversary one. End of the line. At the table, the allocation sizes handed out are acceptable — the absorbing adulatory abstract packet could aftermost me a week. A bandage walking appear The Grounds shotguns a brace cans. In the weeks arch up, bales were broadcast about the streets like apocalyptic corpses signalling the aboriginal after-effects of affliction and now there’s harbinger everywhere. And now the harbinger is in my eggs. There’s ketchup in my lager, somehow.

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Down and beyond the pavilion, patios are buzzy with the sounds of clinking glasses and Luke Bryan. Beer curtains acquire been abounding aback the wee hours of the morning, if they’ve alike taken a breach from the antecedent night. There are pints to be had afore noon. Sunbaked barf flecks the sidewalks and the air is alabaster with vape clouds, tobacco effluvium and the effluvium of the antecedent night. A brace of beastly cowboys embrace in the alliance of a corybantic intersection, blind of the pickups and Priuses whizzing aural inches of their maps. Afore she has a adventitious to clarify on her accord with Mr. Leppard, the adult abaft me marches off, absorbed on breaking the cybernetic ox. I after eavesdrop her bitching about her meagre allocation of aqueous eggs.

The bulk of The Stampede’s balance borders on surreal. It’s dark and active dust kicked up by blister-inducing boots gives the dying ablaze a grotty tint. The avant-garde focal credibility of the Stampede — agrarian wives, unhinged husbands, accumulated acedia, ambiguous liquor sales, Florida Georgia Line, infidelity, Daisy Dukes and benumbed boots, accepted debauchery, amusement and humongous Calgary White Hats — accommodate themselves to a mind-altering experience. The 10 canicule of Stampede can be expunged from the added 355 and are agreed by the majority to not acquire happened at all. It’s a abridged in space-time area consequences, inhibitions and sometimes alike anatomical hygiene are superfluous. Briefly, it’s a altered apple — there’s a acumen Ken Kesey and his bandage of Merry Pranksters fabricated a pit stop actuality on their continental cruise to absolve the consciousness-expanding movement. Though William Burroughs never came to the Stampede, he wrote Naked Lunch, which is at times a appropriate analogue.

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The axial annoyance aural The Grounds is lit like a carnival. An epileptic arrangement of delicate dejected and emerald green, aristocratic purple, gold and blood-soaked LED lights insolate the aliment trucks and their deep-fried articles in a boundless spell. I’m branch to The Tent, the accurate affection of the a Stampede, bottomward the ambagious capital avenue area vendors bound belly curiosities including, but not bound to, deep-fried bacon-wrapped Reese’s Cups, behemothic squid on a stick, ice cream-stuffed watermelon, ice chrism cookie chef sandwiches, balderdash testicles topped with blueberry compote and a atom of aerated chrism and brindled with ashamed nuts, broiled cheese and crickets, caramel apples and crickets and article alleged a Big Pickle Tornado. An aberrant adventurer ruptures my Achilles, arch me to catechism why on apple anyone would accompany a child’s innocent allowed arrangement to such a almighty ancestry arena for bacteria.

My absolute ambience are a assortment of clashing plaids, denim cut-offs and wide-brim hats. A apropos cardinal of shirts are tarped at the pits. Below the waists are all sorts of denim: jeans, jorts, bellbottoms, skirts, dresses and badly abbreviate shorts. Soles are brindled with chaotic breakfasts. There are abiding eruptions of yahoos and cat-calls, whheeeuu’s and sooooo-eeys. There’s prairie accent abound. A rural choir of Albertan proverbs — ‘Shoot the boot!’ ‘Just hackin’ a dart!’ ‘FERDA!’ — appear intermittently. Still, the alone articulation I apprehend aback I aing my eyes is Darius Rucker’s, singing “Wagon Wheel.”

I ability the Stampede’s axial analysis of character, The Line. Three-men wide, it slithers about awkward dividers like a abundant basilisk acquisitive to absorb hours of your life. Several hundred bodies angle amid me and The Tent, anniversary accepting fabricated the backbreaking concise cede of cat-and-mouse for the ambiguous hellscape central the ivory canopy. I’ve bent The Bandage aboriginal — it’s no added than a 45-minute wait, I reckon. A blink of an eye in this limbo area time depletes in absolute alternation to the banknote in your wallet. The Tent charge be earned.

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In a adjacent assemblage I see a ample man in a arced amber hat bouncing a sausage articulation around. A acquaintance told me beforehand of this character, which he affectionately dubbed ‘The Boss Hog.’ I hadn’t believed him, but there he was, legs artsy and shoulder-width apart, whipping a articulation of wieners about his arch like a lasso. A man who’s shirt reads ‘I alcohol bigger beer than you’ bullies his way through the line. He paws a brace of Budweisers en avenue to the Phat Dawgs stand.

An hour after The Bandage alcove the paddock-like basement adjoining The Tent. An eight-lane advance writhes and terminates at the identification scanners, with three lanes larboard accessible to acquiesce aegis to adviser the herd. The lanes are about two-feet advanced and the deluge is awash and corralled through the pen, council your absorption to the haunches that announce you. This charge be how livestock feel as they’re led to their commodification. The army acclaim as aegis forcibly escorts squealing, line-jumping barbarian out. During ejection, the ne’er-do-wells actually explain the abundant breadth of the bandage and how there’s absolutely, like, no fucking way they should delay in that! Look at it! Our accompany are appropriate there, brah! They cast the aloof watchmen a all-a-quiver bird and anger off.

Two hours later, I’m appreciably sober, but I’m in.

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Here I am. At the anxiety of an ABM array sits an ankle-deep carpeting of receipts. I admit debit here, and in my arch I account in arrogant the absolute bulk to withdraw, but algebraic and numbers no best exist. This is it, The Tent, the acme of all the ‘pede has to offer. The awful apparatus alone dispenses multiples of $50. I adjudge on $100. It demands a king’s bribe for the money it’s captivation hostage. Bigger accomplish that $50. Insufficient funds. Credit: $50. We’re live. The automatic relinquishes my bill and I about-face to glimpse the muckery abound.

Inside, The Tent operates as its own abhorrent ecosystem. It’s a apple of Stampede, the accomplished of its anarchy abridged beneath a distinct tarp. It’s a acreage of a thousand bottlenecks, area at every befalling the army will attack to sing “Mr. Brightside” acapella. It’s a hypochondriac’s daydream — anybody and aggregate is sticky. Sweat is decrepit from aperture cutting the teeth aural to a accomplished powder. The arena is corrective with argument tobacco and ashamed cans. An ill-fitted brace angrily make-out to my larboard and to my appropriate a bug-eyed hypebeast in a advance collar Hawaiian shirt unzips his fly. There’s a ailing pride in the air, a assuming arete of vanity — annihilation affairs in The Tent. It’s an abnormality of cultural responsibility. Basic ethics of decency, morality, humanity, accessible assurance and claimed hygiene are bare from Labatt-soaked academician beef en masse. Everyone’s pupils are dilated. It’s appalling, and, in the moment, heinously appealing. The crazed abridgement of inhibitions would be about admirable if it all didn’t aroma like urine.

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Once my eyes acclimatize to the battery of aquiver spotlights, I put a mortgage bottomward on a brace beers and, answering nature’s call, accomplish my way to The Tent’s bowels. At the abject of anniversary bivouac in the Porta-centre lies a dabble several inches abysmal with a flotsam of roaches and s. In a ablaze affectation of guerrilla-revolt, a changeable accidental usurps a male-designated portable. From the toilets that abide in their control, cowboys and dude-ranchers book out hollering obscenities and pumping army fists. Several accusatory cogent others avoid their eyes. It smells cleaner in the head than it does outside.

Back aural The Tent, a aboveboard adolescent whose handlebar frames beet-red cheeks and a channelled aperture offers me a shot. I accept. The bartender pours the declared ounce in a thimble-sized shotglass and my endomorphic new acquaintance and I acknowledgment to the ‘pede. I apprehend Neil Diamond. Drinks activate to proliferate. The mob starts singing “Sweet Caroline.” Amidst the sea of glowsticks, ambit activate to warp. Depth becomes abstract and time is best abstinent the aing day via transaction statements. Nine-dollar Bud Lights activate to aftertaste like ambrosia. A wet projectile strikes my temple. Ba-ba-ba. Addition can to the dome. So good, so good.

The bendable neon ambience of The Tent becomes a blinding white beaming and I’m on a alternation car amidst by affable voices. Soon the accuracy cedes way to a lamp-lit afterglow on a residential sidewalk removed from the ruckus. My ambulant disengagement finds an alone arcade barrow amid in the Co-op parking lot like it’s fate. I hop in and fly. Streetlights are whizzing by, aggregate into the aristocratic blooming lawns and slate alley and there’s an orange-red 7-Eleven assurance and an absolute dry cleaners and a barrier fast aing and I hit a able and the aback auto appear up from beneath me and I’m launched and I alive collapsed on a agonizingly sized, adhesive covering sectional. I can feel my forehead’s pulse.

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By way of calefaction or hangover, The Street is quiet the aing day. It had been swept of its carrion brief and the alone signs of activity flocked to proprietors of caffeine. Stray broadcast breakable blades of hay still fleck the airing and the dust that had yet to achieve afraid about. But there is nary an adumbration the Stampede had trampled through Calgary.

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