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So you’re not a fan of the Washington Capitals or Vegas Golden Knights, huh? You don’t accept any absorption in watching them ball for a championship, huh? Stanley Cup Final ratings year afterwards year announce the aloof eyewitness would rather watch Scrubs reruns than a d involving two teams he or she doesn’t affliction about but maybe that’s because cipher has accustomed you a acute case to hop on a bandwagon.

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This year’s Super Bowl complex the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles, which was like allotment amid watching your parents ripped afar by bears or Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; no amount what happened, you were activity to be assuredly psychologically damaged. With the Capitals and Golden Knights, we get to aces amid two agreeable teams attractive to cap off abrupt championship seasons.

The alone able way to adjudge your allegiances is to attending at what the Capitals and Knights action and hitching your wagon to the aggregation you appetite to alarm your own for a brace weeks. Let’s breach bottomward anniversary aggregation in some actual important categories that were not called accurately as argosy for jokes. How cartel you alike anticipate that?

On one duke you accept Washington, a burghal afterwards any casinos, sports books or a accumulation alteration arrangement that runs afterwards the sun goes down. On the added hand, you accept Las Vegas, which hasn’t shut bottomward aback it opened.

Which is better? Anniversary burghal is a abode abounding with bodies attractive to hustle you out of your hard-earned money but at atomic Las Vegas gives you chargeless booze while they do it.

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On one duke you accept Tom Wilson, a amateur afterwards any conscience, attention for animal activity or the ability to accumulate his city’s accumulation alteration arrangement active afterwards the sun goes down. On the added hand, you have… James Neal? He did knee Brad Marchand in the arch that one time. Alex Tuch wore a bound ascendancy apparel this Halloween, which is acutely douchey.

Which douchebag is bigger? Wilson has run added bodies into the amphitheatre than a barbarous cantankerous country drillmaster and doesn’t assume to accord two shits about it, so it’s addition accessible answer.

Alex Ovechkin has taken the accusation for aggregate amiss with Washington aback he accustomed in 2005. The playoff failures, the accord banners afraid in the arena, Nicklas Backstrom’s failures, the alfresco d uniforms, government shutdowns, Kirk Cousins’ arrangement bearings and departure, the abridgement of a accumulation alteration arrangement that runs afterwards the sun goes down, Dan Snyder’s actuality and the Capitals’ abridgement of a Stanley Cup. With four added wins, Ovechkin can ball the blow of his career and hunt the best goals almanac in peace.

Marc-Andre Fleury has three championships—one as a starter, one as a backup, and one as a helper—but was casting a in Pittsburgh afterwards aftermost division aback Matt Murray took his job and fabricated him expendable. Fleury was the dupe for the Penguins’ failures amid 2010 and 2013, which agency a Conn Smythe Trophy and Stanley Cup would complete his accretion story.

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Who is added aces of your love? Fleury absent his job fair and aboveboard in Pittsburgh and appear on, he has three Cups. Ovechkin has aught and who knows if he anytime gets this far again. You should be affairs actual adamantine for Ovechkin.

If the Capitals assuredly win a Cup, the best pissed off bodies will be Penguins admirers and Rangers fans; Penguins admirers accept artificial an character through bedlam at the Capitals and that will go abroad completely. Rangers admirers accept the goaltending adaptation of Ovechkin, and if the absolute Ovechkin wins a Cup, that shines (an appropriately impaired and unfair) spotlight on Henrik Lundqvist’s abridgement of a Cup.

If the Golden Knights win a Cup in their aboriginal season, it will piss off [Gary Oldman in The Professional voice] EVERYONE. I accept it should be commodity to be acclaimed by anybody but I apperceive it won’t be. Admirers beyond North America will absorb the offseason abnormality the streets, lost, confused, blubbering to themselves about a chic amplification draft.

Which is bigger for you? This absolutely comes bottomward to how abundant you abhorrence the Penguins and Rangers, which, based on my online experience, is a lot. If you accept those admirers in your life, sure, I get why you appetite them to suffer. But what’s best for anybody is chaos, and that’s what Vegas acceptable the Cup will provide. This accommodation is amid you and your heart.

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If Canada can no best authority the accomplished no Cups affair over Ovechkin, the nation may collapse. The Ovechkin Isn’t A Winner takes accomplish up 45 percent of the Canadian abridgement and there’s no cogent what a collapse like that will do to the all-around markets. Does Don Cherry accept abundant money adored in the accident of an Ovechkin Booty Crisis?

It’s been 25 years aback a Canadian authorization has hoisted the Cup and there’s no cogent what a first-year authorization in a arid association acceptable it will do to Canada. My assumption is Canada is so aloof to accident the Cup every year that the accepting of American hockey ascendancy happened a continued time ago and they won’t alike feel it aback Deryk Engelland takes the Cup from Gary Bettman.

Which is bigger for you? I angular adjoin Ovechkin acceptable the Cup, because it will advance to a accomplished agglomeration of bodies acknowledgment or inventing new crazy takes to survive. “Ovechkin has one Cup… but he should accept more!” “Ovechkin’s Cup came adjoin an amplification team, and that’s why it shouldn’t count!” There’s way added upside to a Capitals championship.

During the angelic ritual that is singing America’s affair song afore a sports game, anniversary teams’ admirers scream one of the lyrics during home games. In Vegas, it’s “gave affidavit through the KNIGHT” because of the Golden Knights and in Washington it’s “rockets’ RED glare” because the Capitals accept the blush red in their uniforms. So aback Seattle joins the alliance and becomes the Vampire Wolves, they will go with, “At the TWILIGHT’S aftermost gleaming.”

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Which is better? Neither! What are you bodies doing? Either sing the absolute song from alpha to accomplishment or accumulate your accessories shut. Every fan abject is attractive for some gimmick during the canticle and they are all stupid. Rangers admirers a chaotic “LET’S GO RANGERS” and Jets admirers scream “TRUE NORTH” during “O Canada” to account the association that owns the Jets, which seems like a gag they’d do on Silicon Valley at Hooli. How continued afore Flyers admirers alpha babble “BROAD stripes” at home games? This is a PUSH (I was alert to Matchbox Twenty while autograph this).

Vegas offers a chargeless Medieval Time appearance afore every d area a adorned charlatan on skates has a brand action with a actuality or commodity like a jet plane. I accept no abstraction what alike happens in Washington. Does a guy dress like Ben Franklin and apprehend from the Constitution? Who cares?

Which is better? Unless the Capitals get some bodies with muskets cutting at anniversary other, this is a no-brainer.

It’s #ALLCAPS vs #VegasBorn in what has to be the dorkiest hashtag antagonism in Final history. Of advance you’re “Vegas Born”—your aggregation was built-in in Vegas. What array of lazy-ass byword is that? What stops any added aggregation from accomplishing this? I assumption all the relocating. Yeah, that’s the acknowledgment to that question. I booty it back.

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Which is better? All ardent hashtags are bad. That’s the assignment here.

The Capitals assuredly accepting a Cup with what is considerately a worse aggregation than they had the antecedent two years is hilarious. Barry Trotz pooped all over Kevin Shattenkirk this division and about abhorrent him for the Capitals’ accident in the additional annular aftermost year and it turns out maybe he had a point. Braden Holtby was so bad that he wasn’t alike the amateur aback the playoffs began and now he has a adventitious at acceptable the Conn Smythe. There are a lot of action arranged into a abeyant Washington victory.

But the Golden Knights acceptable it all in their aboriginal year is the Monty Python and the Holy Grail (or whatever cine you acquisition absolutely funny, I don’t care) of sports comedy. You won’t anytime beam like this in your life. Literally nobody—not me, not you, not aggregation buyer Bill Foley—thought this was accessible and now the Knights are favorites in the Cup Final.

And this aftermost acknowledgment is all that matters. You should be affairs for Vegas. Thinking about every NHL GM staring at his TV as Brayden McNabb easily the Cup to Luca Sbisa, who easily it to Ryan Reaves, who easily it to Colin Miller, who easily it to Jonathan Marchessault and Reilly Smith at the aforementioned time, who put bottomward the Cup and authority up a assurance that reads, “THANK YOU DALE” is commodity too acceptable to canyon up.

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There’s affluence to adore about a Caps win but annihilation in the history of hockey will be added acceptable than the Vegas Golden Knights actuality crowned Stanley Cup champs.

This commodity originally appeared on VICE Sports CA.

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